Henderson’s next act is one characterized by

We had a conversation with Shaunie about maintaining her sense of self while wearing many hats, how she’s navigating life as a pastor’s wife in this season, and what this next chapter holds for her.

ESSENCE: You’ve had quite the evolution. You started off in the reality TV space, and now you are working in ministry, including the Her Say community for women. What has that transition been like for you, and how did you get from point A to point B?

Shaunie Henderson: Well, you know, I think that for me, the reality show had just done its time for sure. You want to go out where somebody’s not putting you out, and you can just walk out. And then, as far as the ministry, that was almost like the thing that just was so obvious to me that was needed.

I really love investing in younger women, like young adults and teenagers, so you can share your experiences with them and hope they don’t make the same mistakes. But Her Say was started just because, of course, the church is usually predominantly women, and there was nothing really going on specifically for the women. And we have so many things, from health to relationships to work, kids, all the stuff. So, I was like, we need a space where we can get together and hang out, have that safe space where we can talk about whatever it is that’s needed. And that’s really how it started. As women, we just need safe spaces to have conversations and ask questions that aren’t always churchy questions.

You’re in this season of reinvention. Tell me what reinvention looks like for you.

You know what, I think it’s a day-to-day thing, a day-to-day process that I don’t have to rush. I am getting into more scripted TV, and I’m still doing the entertainment industry stuff, so that’s still there.

But there are so many other things that I want to get into. You know, my husband and I have a podcast, Grown and Growing, we’re doing that. We have a foundation that we’re starting. It’s just so many things on the table that we’re working on. But the good part is, I’m not in a rush right now.

We are taking it day to day, and I’m able to take this part of my life and take my time. I think my previous life, getting into reality TV, was desperation. It was like, it has to happen now, it has to happen fast, I gotta survive, I gotta get this going. Now I’m in cruise control, and it feels really good because I can just take my time.

I’m just in a different space in life, and I have a partner who is supportive and loving through it, and, like, hey, what are you in a rush for? All is well, we got this. So, that’s what I’m doing. And honestly, some days that means coming up with a whole new tentacle of things that I want to get into, which is great.

You mentioned at one time being at a place in your life where you felt like everything had to happen now, and that led you to reality TV. I know there are so many women out there in that position, in a place of desperation and feeling like it has to happen asap for them. How did you go from there to where you are now? And in retrospect, what would you tell that version of yourself?

I do think that that version of me had to happen. It was something that I had to go through, and I had to experience because I think it built who I am today. I know it has built who I am today. I needed to feel that pressure because I think I was too comfortable before, and now I realize that being uncomfortable is a good thing. It doesn’t feel good in the moment, but it’s a good thing.

It pushes you, it challenges you, it could change the entire perspective of everything you do moving forward. So, that desperate rush, hurry up, gotta do it now Shaunie had to happen. I’m glad she did because, again, it has allowed me to be in a space now where I know what that is and I don’t need to go there anymore. I don’t need to ever experience that again. But I don’t know that I would feel that way had I not experienced it, if that makes sense.

Something very inspiring about your story is your ability to build your own brand and business while maintaining motherhood and a healthy marriage. So what would you say is the thing that helps you?

Well, I think that it’s just intentions, right? I try to prioritize certain things at certain times and find some balance. So like, if it’s kid time, and you know I got two in college playing ball, and I need to be there for them, and if it’s their time, it’s their time.

I’d like to say I shut work off, but I would be lying. I’m still accessible. But there are certain things that I’m absolutely going to say no to. And I think there’s definitely an art to saying no when you need to say no. You just gotta find that balance of, okay, I’ve hit the peak of what I can take, and I need to shut the phone off. I need to close this computer, give my husband the rest of my day, and give my kids whatever that is. But you gotta find a balance, because all of that’s still going to keep going. That business is not going to shut down in the 24 hours that I need to take a break or give my kids or my husband that time.

And I think my husband and I are intentional about the time we spend together. We make sure that we are intentional about, OK, one day a week, we are having date night. Or even if date night is at home and we have a movie we want to watch, we’re just intentional about the time we spend. So it’s about intentionality and finding what that rhythm is for you.

I want to talk about your role as a first lady. I grew up in church, and my mom was the first lady. I saw her go through many things. It was a lot of pressure. What was the most difficult thing about transitioning into this role?

I think the most difficult part at first was trying to figure out, do the people even like you? [When] I came into it, they were already very well established; they had their rhythm. And here I am, coming in, not knowing anybody, and just kind of feeling out the environment. Like, I can’t tell if these people like me or not.

But then at the end of the day, just understanding, like, hey, it is what it is. So either they will or they won’t, and I gotta keep it pushing. One thing that I was told going in, and this was by Lady Serita Jakes, she said please do not meet one expectation of any person in that church, because once you do, it will be expected to stay that way. You will be expected to meet everybody’s expectations. So don’t do it. Don’t even start. If somebody expects you to be the big hat wearer, don’t do it. They’re gonna expect it. So that really freed me going in. Because we grew up in a church where first ladies had certain responsibilities. They dressed a certain way. They acted a certain way. So once she told me that, I felt like I was freed of feeling like I had to fit into a certain box.

I’ve come in authentically myself. I probably don’t really fit in with most first ladies, and I’m okay with that. Like, I don’t get invited to a lot of the first lady things, but that’s not a bad thing because I wouldn’t feel uncomfortable, I just would feel like this isn’t quite my thing. So instead of me having to say no, it’s probably best that I’m not invited. But I don’t fit in with a lot of that stuff and I’m okay with it. I think I have my own lane and Lighthouse is cool with it. They love me, I love them. And we have a whole brand that’s called Not Your Typical because they were like, yeah, you’re just not the typical first lady. I was like, I like that! Let’s roll with that.

Yeah, that takes a lot of pressure off of you. Do you feel like there’s anything that you had to change about yourself or your life to step into that role as a first lady, though?

Oh yeah, for sure. I had to clean it up a little bit, you know. I think people know that I’m authentically myself, but I don’t have to say everything that’s on my mind. I don’t have to post everything that I want to post or repost. Or, you know, that might resonate with me. I’m trying to be better. I’m trying to be a better example. And everybody doesn’t understand your sense of humor or all of that. So I just had to kind of filter myself a little bit, but not in a way where I felt like I had to change. I think I just filtered a bit.

Would you say there’s any transferable skills or experiences that you’ve been able to take from being on reality TV for so many years into ministry?

I wouldn’t say so, only because I think that with reality TV, we’re talking about a lot of things with each other that don’t actually matter in our real lives. And not to say that there aren’t issues on reality shows that are real, because there are real issues, but for example, I’m not going to be super invested in who you’re in a relationship with when you and I aren’t even really friends outside of this TV show. I don’t know your spouse. I don’t know who you’re dating. I don’t know your life like that. I don’t know what you like and don’t like for real, for real. But on reality TV, I gotta ask all the questions and be all invested in that because that’s your storyline and that is your real life. I don’t know your real life though. So, I can’t take any of the skill sets from that into this because I am super invested in these women. I absolutely care.

I absolutely try to get to know as many of them personally that I can. And when they’re sharing with me, when we’re talking, I’m all in. I might call them later. I’m invested. So it’s just two different worlds for sure.

A lot of women who have maybe experienced divorce or broken up with a partner may feel like they’re not going to be able to find love. But I believe in taking wisdom from a relationship that hasn’t worked and applying it next time around. What would you say are some fundamental things that you have learned from your first marriage that have informed how you’ve shown up in your current marriage?

I purposely take into this marriage not losing myself again. Because it’s so easy to lose yourself, and it’s not anybody’s fault, really. It’s just like, you can get consumed by being a wife, being a mom, being a business owner. Whatever that thing is that consumes you can totally consume — and you forget about yourself. You forget about your goals. And I remember in my first marriage, I had goals and dreams that I wanted to pursue. And I would write them in my little journal and put them in a nightstand. And they were there, but life was life.

And I had another baby, we moved to a new city or whatever, and there’s another year gone. So that’s something, going into this relationship, that I shared with my husband. We talked about the possible baggage, right? Because you can allow your baggage to come into your new relationships. My baggage was trust, and my baggage was losing myself and going so hard in making sure that I had some type of self-worth and self-identity, and just some legacy to leave my kids. Like, I want you guys to be able to look back and be like, wow, my mom did this and my mom did that. So I went so hard there. It [was] just this drive that I have to make it and do it on my own, and somebody else didn’t do it for me and make me. So we talked about it, we were very honest with each other, and, now even he’s intentional about me not losing myself. So he even helps me in that space. And I think communication is such a huge part.

And finding that right partner that believes in you, invests in you, wants to see you be great, and you guys can combine and just make a winning team because you could do bad by yourself. And just being in a marriage now with somebody who is such a good communicator and such a good team player. In the end, it’s about us. Not just about him, and not just about me. It’s about us.

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